Young Writers Society

I can totally see how this was a sensitive topic for you. This is always a touchy area to talk about it. I loved this poem, and this is probably a good way to remember her, but also to make you feel less sad about it. Amazing job! I would never have the courage to write something like that!

First off I'm not going to say I'm sorry for your loss, or I know how it feels, or even it'll get better. I recently lost someone and I know thoes words are more of a slap in the face than comfort because there not going to bring them back. When my gradnpa died I didn't cry unless I was alone. I didn't want to be weak for anyone else. I was twelve, and shouldn't have had that weight on my shoulders, but I have my whole life. I know you want me to reveiw this but I'm not. The reason you couldn't is because it is ment to be the way it is. Some writing is a cry from the heart that shouldn't be changed one bit.
Goodbye.

This sounds like something the Dresden Dolls would sing. Just has that air of Alice-down-the-rabbit-hole-ish thing going.

What can I say, Soyala? You write beautifully. You felt it more then you wrote it. I wouldn't know. Don't know. Anything.

What’s the matter, pitter patter, let’s drive her madder…

I say keep the third stranza! Seriously! (unless you've alreadly deleted it and it's not the thrid stranza anymore... I'll stop, I'm confusing myself)

It's not a bad thing about making me cry. So don't feel bad about that, I knew exactly how you were feeling (even though I've never had that sort of thing happen to me, I still knew) and I felt so sad for you, and for everything (which is a really good thing, to put feeling into a poem). But it sort of made me feel better. Does that make sense?

Ps, I realise that I did not put the spew seal on that. It's for two reasons.
a) well, it wasn't really a full on edit anyway
b) there is nothing in this world you can do to me to make me rip that to pieces, dicecting it for good bits, then thrust it back into the authors hands and put the responsiblity for it on a group. It's too emotional, plus I'd probably syart crying again if I tried to edit it anyway...

Hey everyone, thanks for your comments, it really makes me feel, well, not good (duh) but proud of my own talent that I can do this all right in the middle of a crisis. For those of you who have mentioned understanding, thanks. For those that don't...I envy you. I truly truly envy you with all my soul.

And, just a question, does anyone think I should just delete the third stanza? I've been reading this obsessively the past couple of days and that stanza seems to stick out oddly.

And now that my comp is working again, I will begin to critique some of your guy's stuff. Thanks again...oh, and sorry about making you cry Eloere, but that does let me see how much I was able to put into this.

This is brilliant! The others got all of the real crit, but it's SO good! I truly felt your pain, and I know how you feel. One of my friends attempted suicide, luckily he lived. But it was SO awful! The poems I wrote weren't anything like this, though. This is so much deeper. It's so sad, and it seems like it has a sort of goth-feel, if you know what I mean. Good job, I really think it's "super dooper" in a really sad way.

I was crying half way through that poem.

Make her cry, let me cry,
Let me say good-bye,
But how can I till I know why,
Tell me why she had to die!

I only want to scream,
Wrapped up in this black tear dream.

Whoa...suicide...I can see how hard it was to write, and I just want to say that this was a great poem. The rhyming was awesome and the emotion that you put into it was just amazing. Its one of my favorite poems ever, definetely.

Soyala Amaya wrote:
I only want to scream,
Wrapped up in this black tear dream.

Soyala Amaya wrote:Was it something I did, or didn’t?

Soyala Amaya wrote:I want to rave, and rant,
Ignoring all these hellish can’s and cant’s,

Soyala Amaya wrote:Did you fall deaf to my touch?

Soyala Amaya wrote:I’m surrounded by steel and lies,
Plaster tile and plastic alibis,

Soyala Amaya wrote:Driven crazy by the mechanical whines.

Soyala Amaya wrote:And I wish you’d all just leave me alone,

Soyala Amaya wrote:I guess now you’ve seen the rock shatter,
Heard the broken dreams scatter,
While outside the sky cried my tears for me,
What’s the matter, pitter patter, let’s drive her madder…

Soyala Amaya wrote:Make her cry, let me cry,
Let me say good-bye,
But how can I till I know why,
Tell me why she had to die!

Soyala Amaya wrote:I guess we’ll never know,
Why you chose to go,

Soyala Amaya wrote:Let me say good-bye...
Can this poem be good-bye?

The place you took me isn't any of the places I was expecting to go, that's very, very cool. I love the assonance in the sixth stanza.

I really understand how hard this poem must have been for you to write. It was very well written and besdes the other comments, I don't have much to say except good work on a hard topic...

honestly i think it could stand to be shorter. though pain and grief are very complicated i find often the longer someone goes on about it the less poignant it is. but i don't think it's my place to suggest what to take out because i think you would know what's most important.

Sweetly ambiguous--I really enjoyed this and I kind of can sympathise...last year a guy I knew...hung himself by a tree with some rope in his backyard.

Thanks, though I'm not sure about that line...I like how it just kind of ends...a litte symbolic, don't you think?

And, yea, she did...kind of. She took a lot of muscle relzers, put a plastic bag over her head, put a rope around her neck and hund it from her fan....then sat down...that's it, she just...sat down...

That's one of the reasons this is so hard for me...I'm trying to show how...utterly simple it was. She didn't leap from something, she didn't over dose...she just sat down...

aww...that's really recent, too. Anyways...most people when they write *ahem* RHYMING grief poems, they write some useless mass of forced-sadness GUNK...this poem isn't like that. And you don't tell us blatently 'She died by sticking her head in a plastic bag.' You leave us to guess...(I bet that's not even what happened). And you leave us little itty-bitty hints that tell us, maybe she was doing drugs or something? But you weren't all 'Oooh look what happens when you do drugs, that's a bad girlie thing to do.' I could really appreciate this poem..an eighth grader at my school hung himself in his bedroom. It was really kind of a shock, even for the people who didn't know him, because NOTHING like this ever happens in Lincoln. Lincoln is *ahem* sleepy and booooring...

i like it! just one thing that i thought i had said something about...

Was it something I did, or didn’t?

Thanks Meshugenah, this poem means a lot to me, and I want it to be the best that it can be. I made a few altercations, tell me what you think.

First off, i can see how hard this must have been to write.

What’s the matter, pitter patter, let’s drive her madder…

Tell me why she died!

Where laughing, crying, or just not care anymore?

Why didn’t you leave a note?